Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
