just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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