I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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