8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
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