I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Panties = found
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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