Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
