well I can't set my house on fire every night
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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