I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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