I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
