also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
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