I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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