Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
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