The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
