I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
We need a shit load of segways right now
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Randomize
