I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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