seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
