...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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