Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
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