if i can run in heels then i can drive
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
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