Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
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