I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
