Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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