You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Randomize
