I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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