she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
