Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
