Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
