I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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