whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
