my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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