Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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