Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
