i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
