I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
