If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
