i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
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