I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
