Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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