so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Pooping to opera.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
