After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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