my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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