My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
