At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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