just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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