Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize