I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
