i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
