My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
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