I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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