is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
