Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I didn't notice because vodka
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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